


Welcome home, Detective Benson

by Anne_Bensler



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Torture, Psychological Drama, getting justice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:08:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24865081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anne_Bensler/pseuds/Anne_Bensler
Summary: This is a short story revisiting the end of season 14 and the beginning of season 15, but this time Elliot Stabler never left SVU. Trigger warning: references are made to rape and torture, hence the rating.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Situation:
> 
> Elliot Stabler never left the force. He is still partnered with Olivia Benson. Other events are basically as shown in seasons 13 and 14, with a few exceptions. Nick Amaro and Amanda Rollins have been added to the team, Barba is the new ADA and Olivia did not get involved with Brian Cassidy again.
> 
> Enter William Lewis …
> 
> This is a short, multi-chapter story about what should have happened next. We begin with the final scenes of season 14.

**1.**

Olivia slammed down the phone after Barba had given her an update about the trial.

 _"Don't tell me the DNA is inadmissible,"_ Nick huffed.

All eyes were on Olivia now. The whole team was eager to know how it went. They all wanted the monster who had violated Alice Parker and so many other women so violently, to get what he deserved.

 _"Worse than that,"_ she sighed. _"The judge, in her infinite wisdom, declared a mistrial."_

 _"You've got to be kidding me!"_ Cragen yelled from across the room.

They all knew that he had been very fond of Mrs. Parker.

 _"And it gets worse,"_ Olivia announced. _"He's out on bail."_

 _"Bail? He doesn't have a pot to piss in,"_ Fin commented, an incredulous look on his face.

_"Vanessa, his legal aid attorney, posted his bond."_

They all knew the redhead was more than just Lewis's legal aid attorney and Olivia couldn't suppress a wry smile.

_"This guy is beyond lucky," Amanda said._

_"Look, we'll make a stronger case on retrial,"_ Nick posed. He was determined to have the creep locked up and throw away the key.

_"If they even let Barba retry it. There's no DNA. There's no victim."_

The frustration was audible in Olivia's voice and they were all feeling it. After a moment of silence, Amanda had a suggestion.

_"Tell you what, who wants to come with me and just shoot the son of a bitch?"_

_"Rollins …"_ Cragen began, but Fin stood up and assured him,

_"Don't worry, Captain. I'll take her out to get something to drink. Anybody else, while my wallet is open?"_

Fin looked at his coworkers but they weren't really in the mood to drink their woes away. Nick was going to see Gil and Cynthia, Elliot wanted to see his kids before they'd be in bed and Olivia asked for a rain check.

_"I've barely been home at all this week."_

_"Well, go home. Stay there, two days,"_ Cragen told her sternly.

_"Captain, that's …"_

_"Liv, that's an order. You show up for work, I'll have you arrested."_

Olivia appreciated his concern. She really did. The Captain knew that she had connected with Lewis in a very disturbing way in the interrogation room, but she wondered if time off was really the best thing for her right now. Prone to overthinking as she was, alone time hadn't really been her friend lately.

Elliot walked up to her and sat down on her desk, chewing his lip while she gathered the papers on her desk and shoved them in a drawer.

"You allright?" he asked after a beat.

_"Not really."_

"You wanna talk?"

_"Not really."_

She gave him a tired smile. It was all she had at the moment.

"Got it. See you in a few, huh? Keep your head up."

He reached out and squeezed her shoulder before walking off. Olivia appreciated her partner's concern too. She really did. And part of her had wanted to talk to him; or maybe she had just wanted the company, but she didn't want to keep him away from his family. He saw them too little as it was. They all needed to get home to lick their wounds and unwind.

She picked up some groceries on the way home. The least she could do for herself was cook a decent meal for a change. She might as well try to enjoy her time off. She even bought an extra bottle of red wine for the occasion, and a six pack of beer, just in case her partner decided to drop by after all. She smiled as she tried to balance her groceries while unlocking her apartment door. Her partner knew her too well sometimes. And she knew him. That's what happens when you've worked with someone for fourteen years.

She switched on the kitchen light before putting her groceries on the breakfast bar. She was about to begin putting them away when she heard a shuffling sound coming from inside her apartment. She frowned. Nobody but Elliot had a spare key of her place and she was pretty sure he'd actually gone to Queens after leaving the precinct.

 _"Hello?"_ she said hesitantly, taking a few steps into the darkened room. _"Hello?"_

And then she was faced with the barrel of a gun and her stomach dropped all the way to the ground floor. She knew who it was even before she saw his triumphant smirk. Her mind went completely blank while panic began to build in her chest. She froze.

_"Welcome home, Detective Benson."_

…

Elliot Stabler had driven all the way out to Queens to see his youngest three children, and fortunately, Kathy had let him in without any objections. He hadn't even told his partner yet that his wife had once again decided that they were better apart than together. She was right though. During their first legal separation, they had gradually relaxed around each other. Elliot had still rebelled against the whole idea of a divorce, but knowing he wouldn't be home had been better for Kathy than constantly wondering if he'd be home for dinner at all. They had both mistaken that relaxation between them for something else, and they had gotten Eli as a result. He didn't regret his youngest for even a minute but they both realized now that it should never have happened. And even when it had, he shouldn't have moved back home. After the shooting at the precinct, he'd become unbearable at home for a while and all their old grievances had returned with a vengeance.

And so he'd packed up once again and moved to a motel while trying to find an affordable place in the city. Again. He kept his suits at the precinct these days and aside from clean suits, he didn't need much. Just a real bed to sleep on, a TV set and a bite to eat before he'd head out to work again. The few clothes he had at the motel fitted in two duffel bags.

Kathy had smiled when he'd sat down to play cards with the twins, and Eli had crawled into his lap to 'help' him play. The five year old was learning to read in school and had given him away a couple of times which cards his dad was holding, reading the letters of the face cards out loud. Richard was very pleased with his little brother because of it, which only encouraged little Eli to read more.

All in all, he'd had a fun time. Kathy had let him stay for dinner and now he was on his way back to the city. It wasn't very late yet and he decided to go and check up on Olivia after all. She'd put up a brave face at the station but he knew she was very upset that this freak was walking again. A mistake at the lab. It made him think of the case that eventually cost O'Halloran his life and he shook his head. Dale Stuckey. What a loser. He didn't understand how they could have made another lab mistake in this case. This guy Lewis had walked so many times before, and they had him at last. DNA all over the place. They would need to go over Mrs. Parker's place again, secure new samples and make a digital scan of the entire crime scene to show the jury what had really happened there. Even without the rape kit, it should be enough, shouldn't it?

He shook his head again as he crossed the Queensboro Bridge into Manhattan. Now he was the one overthinking things. He drove to an all-night store near Olivia's place to pick up a few things for them to eat and drink, and then headed over to her place.

…

_What you did to her ... You're lucky I didn't kick your teeth in._

_What I did ... you should be so lucky someone does that to you._

_You want to hear how I tied her to the bed._

_She did things that... she never expected to do..._

_That she never imagined were possible._

_Or do you want to hear how, at the beginning, she said she would do anything? I mean, she begged me for her life. And by the morning time, she was begging me to take her out of her misery. Which one do you think I enjoyed more?_

Olivia blinked but quickly closed her eyes again. She was in pain and she was terrified but if he thought she was going to show him either, he had another thing coming. His words from the interrogation kept droning on in her head though, and she knew he was planning to do the exact same things to her that he'd done to Mrs. Parker - until she'd beg him to kill her too.

He'd already told her, that's the endgame. _We got a lot of shock and awe to go before we do that._

And she'd already tried to reason with him to just leave so he wouldn't get caught. But he'd just laughed at her and touched the fresh cigarette burns on her chest, making her wince. How would she explain those burns away, he'd asked, looking proudly at what he'd done to her. She'd threatened him defiantly, even if she'd been strapped to a chair with duct tape. Her partner, her squad, the entire NYPD would be after him. He'd just welcomed the challenge and had knocked her out again.

He had force-fed her a lot of vodka and she was woozy. Still, she tried to take inventory of any fresh burns on her body since the last time he'd burned her and listened for any sounds indicating where in her apartment Lewis was and what he was doing. She was certain he was still there. He hadn't finished the job after all. The sickening details of Mrs. Parker's assault came back to her one by one and fear gripped her again. There was nothing she could do. She'd fight like hell but she knew there was no escape. He was going to rape her, right here, in her own apartment.

She heard a noise coming from the kitchen. Her stove was on and she remembered the smell of burnt flesh and pans of the stove with keys and hangers in them in Mrs. Parker's apartment. The woman had been branded … and then …

Olivia felt herself get sick. Lewis hadn't duct-taped her mouth this time after knocking her out, satisfied that she wouldn't scream again for now, and she wondered what he'd say or do if she threw up on herself. She refused to show any signs of weakness but this was something she might not be able to control. Her stomach churned and she felt the bile rise up in her throat, thinking of what Lewis was planning to do with her. The crime scene was still too fresh in her mind and now her apartment was turning into that same crime scene … and there was nothing she could do to stop him.

She began scolding herself mentally for freezing. For not reaching for her gun instantly, before she'd walked into the darkened living area of her apartment. How could she have let him get the drop on her like that? She swallowed hard, hoping to keep the meager contents of her stomach inside, even if that meant more alcohol would find its way into her bloodstream. And then she heard Lewis approach her again. She pretended to still be knocked out but wasn't sure if she was fooling him. She could feel him get closer to her until he was in her face, his bad breath hitting her nostrils.

"Rise and shine, beautiful," he taunted her softly. "We have more games to play."

…

Elliot looked up at Olivia's apartment out of habit and stopped on the sidewalk when he saw no lights on at her place. She didn't usually close her drapes all the way until she went to sleep, and he stared at the window for a few moments. Were the lights off or were the drapes closed? He couldn't really tell. He tried to shake off the uneasy feeling that was creeping up his spine and headed to the entrance of the building. One of Olivia's neighbors was just coming home and recognized him, so he could walk right up. He decided to take the elevator this time to get upstairs a bit quicker. For some reason he couldn't really pinpoint, he suddenly wanted to get to her place as quickly as possible.

When he walked up to her door, he heard a muffled cry and he froze, listening intently to hear where the sound had come from. He slowly put his groceries down on the floor and reached for his gun, still focused on hearing where the person in distress might be, but already knowing it in his gut.

It was her.

A retching sound confirmed it. It was Olivia and she was sick. Just when Elliot wanted to knock on her door, he heard a man's voice curse and then a loud smack, followed by a soft wail that slammed into him as if someone had just fired a gun.

Olivia!

Elliot felt every muscle in his body tense up instantly. His body was preparing to charge. His partner was in distress and he was going in.

…

**To be continued ...**


	2. Chapter 2

**2.**

Elliot pressed his ear to Olivia's door. He wanted to break it down but he needed some idea of what he was going to be crashing into. He heard a voice but it was too soft to make out what the man was saying. Olivia's response was also unintelligible but somehow he could tell she was in pain.

And then it hit him.

_Lewis._

The freak was out on bail and he was here.

It was a split-second decision then. Elliot aimed his gun, looked away and fired at the lock of Olivia's door twice; he kicked the door in, breaking the fragile door chain in the process and charged forward into the apartment. Lewis was already on his feet and grabbed his gun.

"Don't even think about it!" Elliot barked, pointing his gun straight ahead, holding it with both hands while walking up to the man. "Give it up, Lewis. Game over!"

An evil smirk appeared on Lewis's face and Elliot knew exactly what the man was going to do. Before Lewis could even begin to point his gun at Olivia, Elliot fired his, hitting Lewis in his left thigh. Lewis cried out in pain and dropped to his knees, but he was still gripping his gun tightly. Elliot charged forward until he was standing between Lewis and Olivia, his gun still aimed squarely at Lewis. Elliot was breathing heavily and looked down at the injured man, ready to shoot him again if he tried anything else.

Lewis seemed to realize that Elliot had the upper hand and raised his hands in surrender, but he didn't let go of his gun and Elliot knew the man wasn't done yet. He was a snake and snakes always found a hole to slither into.

"I know you wanna kill me," the snake said, "so why don't you? No one's gonna blame you after what I did to your precious partner over there."

He was trying to goad him into looking behind him at Olivia but Elliot wasn't taking the bait. He wanted to look at Olivia; desperately so, and the snake knew it. But he had to disarm and restrain him first. Olivia wasn't safe until he did that, and neither was he.

"Come on, Detective," Lewis continued. "You know you wanna do it. All that rage I see in you … why not release it right now, and rid the world of a monster like me, huh? You'll feel so much better and on top of that, you'll be a hero!"

Elliot shook his head.

"No. Death ... death is too easy for you. You're gonna pay for what you've done to all those women. They're gonna get justice at last."

"Justice, justice. That's such an abstract word, isn't it Detective? You strike me as an eye for an eye kinda guy. Hell, I'm surprised you didn't shoot to kill when you came bursting in here."

Lewis was chatting as if he hadn't just been shot and there wasn't still a gun pointed at his head and Elliot was getting impatient. He could hear Olivia breathing behind him and he knew she was in a lot of pain.

"Just shut up and drop the gun," Elliot ordered, and the frustration that was building inside him was now audible in his voice.

"You've got a temper, don't you?" Lewis said with a grin. "Well, come on then. Show me what you've got."

Lewis looked to his right, to the gun in his raised hand, and then wiggled the gun a little.

"Try me," Elliot said.

"Elliot …" Olivia groaned behind him.

He took a deep breath and breathed out slowly. Without taking his eyes off of Lewis, he told Olivia,

"I know, Liv. I know."

He didn't need to see her to know what she was telling him. And knowing she was awake and aware enough to warn him, grounded him in a way he hadn't known he'd needed. Lewis knew how to read people and he was trying to push his buttons. He could see the man processing his brief interaction with Olivia but Elliot didn't want to play his games. The mere fact that the snake wanted him to kill him, was enough incentive not to do it.

"Drop the gun, Lewis," he ordered again.

"Or else?"

"I could shoot your other leg," Elliot said with a smirk. "For starters."

Lewis's face dropped for a split second before it hardened again, and Elliot knew he had him. Mentally, he had just gotten the upper hand and they both knew it. Lewis broke eye contact and Elliot braced himself. What was he going to do as a last desperate act?

The instant Lewis moved his right arm, Elliot fired his gun again, hitting him in the right shoulder. Lewis screamed and dropped his gun. He lunged forward immediately, trying to grab the gun again despite being shot twice now, and Elliot stepped forward. He calmly placed his left foot on Lewis's outstretched hand before he could reach the gun and placed his full weight on his left leg briefly to kick the gun away with his right foot. The cracking of Lewis's hand was a very satisfying sound. He then stepped over the snake and twisted his arms behind his back to cuff him.

"William Lewis, you are under arrest for the kidnapping and assault of a police officer and whatever else we can pin on you. You have the right to shut up. Anything you do say can and most definitely will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you. Again. Got it?"

Elliot yanked Lewis to his feet after cuffing him.

"Got it?" he repeated loudly next to Lewis's ear.

"Why didn't you just kill me," Lewis sputtered, clearly surprised that apparently he'd read the angry Detective wrong.

Elliot dragged him to a dining chair and made him sit down.

"Because I want you to suffer," Elliot hissed. "Now stay put!"

Lewis had been running on adrenaline, crystal meth and energy drinks but was finally beginning to weaken from the pain and blood loss. But Elliot still didn't trust him not to try anything so he grabbed the roll of duct tape he found on the floor next to Olivia. He made brief eye contact with his partner but had to look away. He needed to incapacitate Lewis first, then he'd tend to her. He decided to simply tape Lewis's ankles together and to the chair, and then finally called for backup.

"SVU portable to SVU central. This is Detective Stabler calling for backup at 203 West 89th street, apartment 4E. I have a suspect in custody and an officer down. We need an ambulance and CSU stat! And call Captain Cragen."

"SVU central to SVU portal. We're on our way, Detective!"

…

The entire scene had played out in front of her like a movie. Olivia was drugged up, sick and the burns on her chest and stomach were killing her. Lewis had torn her blouse open and then she had thrown up all over herself as well as Lewis. He'd slapped her across the face, hard. Then he'd pushed the glowing coat hanger against her bare stomach.  
Seconds later, it had been like the room exploded and Elliot had charged in, his gun drawn. It wasn't until Lewis was on his knees, bleeding but still talking, that she'd snapped out of her daze. Lewis had tried to get Elliot to kill him while he was down on his knees and she had to warn him. It was going to look like an execution if Elliot shot Lewis like this!

_I know, Liv. I know._

His voice saying her name had felt like a comforting blanket in that moment. The reassurance in his voice that he was in complete control of himself gave her the faith that she would be alright. She could do nothing, still drugged, duct-taped to her own chair and injured - burned - but it would be alright now.

The second gun shot had sounded like a cannon going off inside her head and then she'd heard those familiar words, you are under arrest. She had relaxed at last, closing her eyes and dropping her head to the side for a moment. She was so tired. So tired.

Elliot was suddenly very close to her, picking something up, and she looked up at him. There was determination in his eyes and she watched as he taped her tormentor to a chair, just like the creep had done to her. She listened to Elliot calling for backup. And then, finally, Elliot focused on her. He knelt next to her chair and tentatively placed his palm against the side of her neck.

"It's over," he whispered and she let her eyes close again for a moment, leaning into his touch.

"I'm gonna untie your hands," he told her softly, "but if it's alright with you, I don't wanna touch anything else just yet."

She hummed to let him know she heard him, even if she wasn't following completely.

"He's not walking again, Liv. Not from this. Never again. We document everything."

He was telling himself as much as her and she understood.

"Okay."

After her hands were untied, she tried to close her torn blouse and Elliot jumped up and walked off towards her bedroom, quickly returning with a sheet.

"Here."

He wrapped the sheet around her, covering her up completely before their backup would arrive, and then knelt next to her again. He wrapped one arm around her shoulders and rested his other hand on her knee.

"Did he drug you?" Elliot asked and she figured she wasn't looking too clearheaded.

"Yeah. Pills. Vodka."

"The burns?"

"I'll live."

She tried to crack a little smile but Elliot wasn't amused. His eyes were full of concern and he was still tense.

"Anything else?"

"No."

"Liv …"

"No!"

She'd spoken loudly this time. Firmly. She had not been raped.

"Thank God," Elliot sighed, resting his forehead against her temple and pulling her a little closer to him.

"And thank you," Olivia added. "You got here in time."

They sat together in silence for a few moments and then Lewis thought it was a good idea to speak again. The two Detectives didn't agree.

"Look at the two of you. So adorable. So, does your boss know you're fucking? Or your wife, Detective Stabler?"

"Shut up, Lewis," Olivia hissed and she wished now that Elliot had untied her legs as well so she could stand up and get in Lewis's face. But a death glare would have to do for now. And then Elliot stood up for her and towered over Lewis.

"You do not speak to her again. Ever. Got that, Mister Lewis?"

Lewis wiggled his head, as if contemplating the question and then asked,

"Or what?"

Olivia had an answer for him and it was gratifying that she was the one saying it to him this time.

"One move, lights out."

…

**To be continued ...**


	3. Chapter 3

**3.**

There was a flurry of activity around her, but Olivia wished they would all just leave her alone. Now that Lewis had been removed from the apartment, which was the first thing Cragen had ordered a few officers to do, she felt like curling up in a ball and just disappearing for a while. Cragen ordered no less than three officers to stay with Lewis. He was not to be left alone at any time at the hospital, not even for a second or heads would roll. And as soon as he was medically cleared he was to be put in a holding cell.

Meanwhile, CSU wanted to take pictures before Olivia could be untied further and she felt incredibly exposed. Elliot stayed close by, ready to cover her up with the sheet again as soon as possible. But it wasn't just the sheet she missed. This sense of being exposed ran much deeper than that.

After taking several pictures, a CSU member carefully cut through the duct tape, freeing Olivia's legs at last. Elliot helped her to stand up and wrapped the sheet around her battered body again. He urged her to come with the paramedics right away. A second gurney was already waiting for her in the hallway.

"Lewis?" she asked Nick, and Elliot hated how weak her voice sounded.

"He's long gone," Nick promised her. "He's off to Bellevue, you're going to Mercy."

"Thanks," she whispered.

Olivia took one last look around her apartment, then let Elliot and a paramedic guide her to the gurney. Once she was on it, she looked up at Elliot and he assured her,

"I'm riding with you. I gave my gun to Munch and he's taken it to be examined. And Cragen will hold off IAB for a while."

Olivia closed her eyes then and Elliot swallowed.

He'd never seen his partner like this before. He knew she'd been through a lot. He hadn't missed the cuts, bruises and burns on her body. But she was tough. He knew that. But somehow he also knew that it was more than the alcohol and pills that she'd been forced to take that made her almost lethargic. There was an air of defeat about her that shook him. Did she think she was to blame for what Lewis had done? That she had somehow failed? He wanted to hold her hand during the ambulance ride but he sensed that Olivia didn't want to be touched. And when they arrived at the ER and the Doctor pulled the curtain around her bed, she asked him to leave them alone for a while.

Elliot walked to the waiting area, where most of their coworkers had assembled already. Rollins opened her mouth to say something but before anyone could ask a question, Elliot told them,

"They're just starting to check her out now. She hasn't said a word yet. Not since help arrived."

"Did he …" Amaro started and Elliot shook his head.

"No. He never got that far."

"Thank God you got there in time," Rollins sighed. "How did you know?"

"I didn't. I just felt she shouldn't be alone and when I got there … well, you have an idea what I walked in on."

The Detectives nodded.

"Where's the Captain?" Elliot asked.

"He's showing Barba around the crime scene. He wants first hand knowledge this time so he can nail him once and for all."

"Good. That's good."

Rollins stepped forward and took Elliot's arm.

"Come on. Sit down for a minute. Can I get you a cup of coffee or something to eat?"

Elliot let the blonde guide him to the plastic chairs in the waiting area and plopped down on one.

"Some coffee would be great, thanks."

He silently thanked Kathy for letting him stay for dinner. If she hadn't, he probably wouldn't have eaten before returning to the city. Then again, he could have gotten to Olivia's much sooner. Maybe even prevented him from grabbing Olivia at all.

He shook his head and leaned forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his thighs. He couldn't start thinking like that. It was done now and Olivia was safe. Whatever had happened, she'd get through it. She was the strongest person he knew, and he was going to be there for her every step of the way. If she'd let him. The way she had basically shut down on him, worried him. It wasn't unusual for them to shut each other out when things got tough but something about her was different this time.

Rollins handed him a cup of coffee and sat down next to him. Fin was pacing and Nick looked like he was ready to punch a hole in a vending machine that refused to give up a bag of candy corn. When Cragen and Barba arrived at the hospital, everyone perked up, eager for some distraction.

"CSU is still going over Olivia's place with a fine tooth comb. They're making a digital scan so they can make a virtual crime scene in the computer. We're gonna need your statement asap, Elliot. And Olivia's too, as soon as she's ready," Cragen announced.

"And IAB?" Nick asked. Elliot appreciated the man's protectiveness. They were a lot alike, Nick and he.

"I convinced Tucker that it can wait and you'll come to him when you're ready."

"Wow. Did you put a gun to his head or something?" Rollins smirked.

"It took some effort, but in the end I only needed words. Strong ones, but just words," Cragen said, trying but failing to suppress a small smile of his own.

"The promise that he'd be getting a copy of the scan including the trajectory of the bullets helped too," Barba chimed in. "For what it's worth, Stabler, he actually said he was impressed that you hadn't killed the bastard."

"I was tempted," Elliot admitted.

"Just don't tell him that," Cragen advised but Elliot smiled.

"Oh, don't worry. He knows. I'm just glad he knows I held back. It was by the book, Captain."

Cragen nodded, looked at the floor for a moment to gather his thoughts, and then lifted his dark eyes to meet Elliot's blues again.

"I promise you, Elliot. Nobody in this unit would have blamed you if you'd shot to kill."

…

The effects of the vodka and the Vicodin were subsiding gradually. Olivia had been given lots of water to drink. And while she had insisted that she did not need a rape kit done, the examination, documentation and treatment of her wounds had taken a long time nonetheless. The whole time, she hadn't been allowed to use the bathroom, in case she changed her mind about the kit. She didn't change her mind.

Once every one of her injuries had been carefully documented, she was finally allowed to use the bathroom and take a shower. She would need to be careful with her head wound and the burn on her stomach, which would both require more treatment after her shower.

By the time visitors were allowed in the exam room she'd been put in, Olivia was lying on a bed in a hospital gown. Her head wound had been cleaned and stitched, the cigarette burns on her chest had been cleaned, treated with antibiotic cream and covered with bandages, and the burn on her stomach had been thoroughly cleaned, treated and bandaged. The nurse had told her to rest a little while the Doctor got her paperwork and medication in order.

Elliot was the first to poke his head around the door, as expected. Olivia didn't know what to say, to him or to anyone. She knew she would have to give a statement but she felt completely drained and empty, and full at the same time. She kept replaying those first few seconds in her mind over and over again. The sound from within her apartment. How she'd walked into the dark room slowly, barely on guard at all, not even thinking about reaching for her gun.

_Hello?_

_Hello -_

_Welcome home, Detective Benson._

When Elliot pulled up the only chair in the small room and sat down next to her bed, she looked at him with hollow eyes.

"I froze," she choked out.

She could see that Elliot wasn't following and she repeated,

"I froze, El."

His blue eyes were searching her face for more clues and then he asked her,

"That how he got the drop on you?"

"Yeah."

"It happens, Liv. You know that."

"Not to _me!_ I'm a _cop!_ "

Elliot reached for her hand, that was resting on top of the covers over her stomach and she flinched, then turned her head away from him. She barely recognized herself. She wanted to be strong and in control of herself but her body had a mind of it's own and it scared her a little.

Fear. That was another thing that kept coming back. How utterly terrified she'd been.

"You're also a human being, Liv. Nobody knows how they'll react when someone jumps them until it happens."

"He didn't jump me."

She turned her head again to look up at her partner.

"He was already inside when I got home."

Elliot raises his eyebrows.

"How?"

"I'm hoping CSU will tell us."

Cragen and Barba came in then and Barba explained that officially, they should not be talking until they'd given their statements to IAB.

"But we're not going to keep you apart right now," Cragen added, "so Barba will be sitting in so he can attest that you haven't tried to line up your statements in any way."

"You know we're just going to tell the truth," Elliot huffed and Cragen put his hands up in mock surrender.

"Of course I know that, Elliot, but you know IAB. So for now, no talk about how, when and why you fired your gun, alright?"

Elliot nodded.

"I just wanna know that Liv'll be alright and then I'll go and see Tucker right away and get it over with."

Cragen fixed his gaze on her at last and asked her,

"How are you doing, Olivia?"

She sighed.

"I'm …"

She made a helpless gesture with her hand and Cragen glanced at Elliot. Her boss's concern was visible in his features and she wished, again, that she could just disappear.

"Are they keeping you overnight?"

"No. They're just getting my release papers ready."

The three men exchanged a look and then it dawned on her.

_"Where am I gonna go now?"_

_"Your place is a crime scene. The department will put you up in a hotel."_

_"Okay. For how long?"_

_"Liv, don't worry about it ... What you've been through … You're on mandatory leave until you recover and I don't want any arguments."_

Her face remained blank when she replied,

_"I'm not gonna give you any."_

Elliot told their boss he'd make sure she'd get to the hotel safely before he'd go to see Tucker and Cragen handed him a piece of paper with the address and room number of the hotel. Barba would tag along again and offered to talk to IAB as well.

Olivia sat up when her other coworkers came in one by one to greet her and while she appreciated their concern, the feeling that she just wanted to get out of there became more and more overwhelming, until it became hard for her to breathe. She tried to hide it but when she began to shake a little, Elliot immediately cleared the room and paged the nurse who gave Olivia a sedative.

"She needs to rest," the nurse said and Elliot couldn't agree more.

"So get her release papers and I'll make sure she rests."

…

They had swung by Olivia's place to retrieve some clothes and other items she would need. She had stayed in the car with Barba while Elliot went into her bedroom to grab her things. CSU had still been there and Elliot had tried not to let the smell of the place get to him too much. Stale cigarettes, the smell of urine and alcohol. It didn't feel like Olivia's place at all anymore.

It had felt very wrong to leave Olivia alone at the hotel but she said she wanted to be alone, to begin processing everything that had happened during the evening. With Barba lurking in the background, Elliot hadn't objected, but he was planning to return to her hotel room later. He didn't care what IAB would say about that, he just had this deep need to be close to her; to know that she was alive and coping. And if she wasn't coping, he'd have her back. He'd whispered to her just before she closed the door, making sure Barba couldn't hear him and his words had struck a nerve at last. He'd seen a flicker of … well, of something in her eyes when he'd told her,

_I'm your partner, for better or worse._

Her soft _Thanks, El_ just before she'd closed the door had been enough for now.

Next up was his interview with Ed Tucker. Much to Elliot's surprise, Tucker didn't grill him this time about his actions. All he wanted was a play-by-play of the events, from when he'd arrived at Olivia's building until backup had arrived. Tucker never questioned his motives or his account of the events of the evening. Barba gave a short statement too, about the mistrial that had left all of them incredibly frustrated, and about what he'd seen upon entering Olivia's apartment.

"Very good," Tucker said after turning off the recorder. "I have everything I need from you, Stabler. If forensics confirm your account of what happened, you're done here. For the record, I will need your partner's statement as well, but a copy of the statement she'll make tomorrow at your precinct will suffice."

Elliot couldn't really hide his surprise and Tucker chuckled.

"If I have any further questions after reading it, I will let your Captain know. I'm not out to bother her any more than necessary, Stabler. As far as I'm concerned she's the victim here and you handled yourself professionally."

"Thanks. That's … it means a lot, coming from you."

Tucker shrugged, not quite used to accepting thanks or compliments, and they shook hands before all three men went their separate ways. Elliot wasn't going back to his motel room. He needed to see Olivia again first.

…

**To be continued**


	4. Chapter 4

**4.**

More pills.

Olivia was hesitant to take them, but after her initial numbness had subsided, she was beginning to feel pain. And it seemed to be everywhere. Lewis had punched her several times, and he'd kicked her in the back and the side a couple of times to wake her up after she had dozed off. She would have to start taking the pain medication that they'd prescribed, before the pain would get worse and she wouldn't be able to sleep at all.

Not that she was being successful so far. Her mind just kept replaying the hours she'd spent with Lewis in detail, over and over again. How he'd suddenly been there and she had frozen. How he'd knocked her out and she had woken up bound to a chair with duct tape over her mouth. How he'd ripped the tape off, offering her something to drink and how disgusted she'd been when it turned out to be pure vodka instead of water. But each time she spit it out, he only forced her to drink more. The strong liquor had gone straight to her brain, just like the Vicodin he had forced her to swallow.

And then there were the things he'd said to her.

His ability to read people was unbelievable and he had rattled her more than any perp had ever rattled her before. He'd hurt her physically and threatened to hurt her more, but the damage that would last the longest, was the psychological damage he'd done. Maybe it would even be permanent. Right now, she felt like it would be. She felt so exposed; every protective layer ripped from her soul, laying it bare for inspection. And Lewis had called her out on every single thing he'd found.

_Your whole life is a lie._

He hadn't said it right away. He'd let her fill in a few blanks first. Not that she'd given him much, but not answering him and giving him defiant looks had amused him to no end. He had been feeding off her and had told her things about herself that he couldn't possibly have looked up anywhere.

...

_Flashback_

"You always wanted to be a cop, right?"

Pause.

"Right. You don't have to tell me. I already know. When you were a little girl, your life already sucked, big time. So you were gonna fix it."

Pause.

"You were gonna make a real difference. You're on a mission."

Pause.

"I gotta tell you though, you're not doing such a great job. I can still see you, hiding behind that tough, bitchy exterior. Little scared Olivia. You may think you're making a difference, but you still haven't fixed anything for that little girl, have you, Detective?"

Pause.

...

Olivia shook her head and sat down on the hotel bed, clutching a pillow against her stomach and leaning back against the headboard. How she had hated those pauses. She'd hated them almost as much as the sound of his voice. He was distorting everything and kept giving her just enough time to make sense of what he was saying through the haze of the alcohol and the pills. It seemed that, as soon as she'd fix her gaze on him again, he'd continue.

And so she'd tried to stay unfocused, or at least seem that way but naturally, he noticed. He could tell every single time she was faking it. And another cigarette burn on the chest would be her reward; each one a little lower than the last one, until he reached the tender skin of her breasts.

...

_Flashback_

" _I can hear it in your voice. You're all bottled up. Yeah. All your life, you've been listening to stories... women telling you about the worst night of their life."_

Pause.

" _What about you, huh? What are you working through? Something your daddy did to you? Is that it?"_

She just glared at him.

" _I'm onto something, aren't I? Yeah, call me what you want, but I can always smell a victim!_ So what was it. Your daddy abuse you? Did he rape you, so now you have to avenge every other victim like yourself?"

Pause.

"Nope. That's not it, but I'm close. I know I am. So if he didn't do it to you, he must have hurt your mom. Yeah, that's right. That's just horrible, isn't it? Promising to love and cherish you one day and then beat the crap out of you the next. They're useless, men like him."

"Unlike you!" she snapped at him sarcastically then, and the triumphant look on his face when he got her to react was nauseating. He just chuckled and squeezed himself through his jeans for a few moments, reveling in his small victory.

"You know. Maybe he should have done you too. It's a great release, you know. Rough sex, I mean."

Pause.

She wasn't going to take that bait. Rape isn't sex but she remained silent, trying very hard to focus on not giving Lewis anything else to work with.

"Little girls are so nice and tight. But I bet you're still tight too because you're obviously not getting any. Not even from that macho partner of yours."

Something in her eyes must have given him something because he laughed out loud then.

"Oooooo, Olivia! Now _that's_ not what I expected!" he chuckled. "You're a _nice_ girl. You're not supposed to bang your married partner!"

Pause.

She was angry now. Even angrier than before, and her anger overrode her fear for a moment. Apparently, it was enough for Lewis to draw a new conclusion.

"Correction. You're a nice girl. You're not supposed to _want_ to bang your married partner."

She couldn't look him in the eye then and she didn't realize how close Lewis had moved to her until she smelled his bad breath again.

"He's a passionate one, isn't he. You must have wondered about it. How he'd stretch you to your limits, bend you to his will and make you scream …"

Without thinking, she spat in his face, hitting him square in the eye. It only made him giddier, knowing that he'd struck another sensitive nerve. He stood, turned his chair around so he could sit across from her and lean on the backrest of the chair casually, as if they were just having a nice chat.

"So … wounded little girl with daddy issues; never really felt safe at home and hasn't been able to have a normal sex life; pines after a man she can't have. And he's probably not the first one she can't have. She prefers it that way, because a man she can't have, can't hurt her either. Does that sound like a badass cop to you, Olivia?"

Pause.

"You're pathetic, _Detective_. That's what you are. You should be glad you ran into me because I'm gonna give you something that will change you forever. Maybe you'll actually be able to heal then, right? When all of those defenses are finally broken away and all that is left is _you_. The real you. The you that you've been desperately trying to hide your whole life. The you that you don't want _anyone_ to know. But I can see you, Olivia. I can see you. And it's not a pretty sight at all."

Pause.

"You're broken."

Pause.

"So how do _you_ expect to fix anything?"

Pause.

…

Olivia swallowed hard and clutched the pillow tighter to her body. She had felt like crying then. Lewis was laying every nerve bare and poking at them as if it was all a game. And it was, to him. He thought it was funny to break her down like this and it had angered her. That anger had been her only source of power because everything else that she had built her life on, seemed to be broken down systematically until there was nothing left of the life she had so carefully built for herself.

Lewis was right.

She had built her entire life around her own trauma.  
High walls around the scared child so nobody would see.  
High walls around her wounded heart so nobody would try to love her - nobody would even want to - and she wouldn't love anyone too deeply, for fear of being hurt again.  
High walls around her past, that almost nobody knew about, even if a few coworkers were aware of her history now.

But the walls were beginning to show cracks now. Parts of them were crumbling. And it terrified her. She felt so out of control, even worse than she had when she had first admitted that she had a problem after Sealview. She wanted to turn inward like she always did when she was hurting, but her old survival mechanisms didn't work as well as before anymore. Lewis had been right. He _had_ given her something that would change her forever. She just didn't know if she could live with what he'd given her.

She wasn't even raped, for God's sake. She tried to get mad and find some semblance of strength to pull herself together but the only thing her body seemed to want, was to cry. And that wasn't her. Still, she couldn't fight it. Not anymore. All the pain from her past was bubbling back to the surface now, and all at once. There was no stopping this tidal wave of hurt that she'd bottled up for so long; not if she gave it even once inch. Her chest was constricting to the point she couldn't breathe anymore and she knew that if she would try to gasp for air, she would begin to cry and she wouldn't be able to stop. She felt like she was suffocating and moaned softly into the pillow, still not breathing in.

And then there was a knock on her door.

...

**To be continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Kudos are fun but I'd also love to know your thoughts!


	5. Chapter 5

**5.**

Elliot had knocked on the hotel room door twice now. He was worried about his partner, and now that she wasn't answering the door, his concern grew.

"Liv?" he called out. "It's Elliot."

Still nothing.

He knocked again, a little louder than the first time.

"Olivia?"

Part of him hoped that she was simply sleeping, but a much bigger part of him knew better. What he didn't know was, whether it would be best to leave her alone for now or not. He decided to call her on her phone, to see if she'd answer. Maybe that would give him a clue. He could hear her ringtone through the door and then finally heard movement in the room. Much to his surprise, Olivia answered his call.

"Yes?"

The brokenness in her voice hit him square in the gut.

"Liv. It's me."

All he could hear for several seconds was her breathing. He knew it should reassure him that she was, in fact, still breathing, but there was something very wrong. She wasn't breathing deeply enough and he feared that she was starting to hyperventilate.

"Please. Just open the door," he said softly, making an effort to sound gentle and not threatening in any way. "Liv, let me help you."

He wasn't sure if he was saying the right things. She wasn't one to want help, let alone admit that she needed it. But he couldn't break down her door and barge in. Not now. Not while she was so vulnerable. She probably didn't want him to see her like this at all, but he had to try. She didn't have to suffer alone, but knowing her, she would want to. Anything not to be a burden to anyone else. She didn't know that she could never be a burden to him but he knew that he wouldn't be able to convince her of anything with a closed door still between them. He needed to see her, to look into her eyes and connect with her before he could do anything meaningful for her. If he had to manipulate her just a little to achieve that goal, he would, and he knew then what he had to say.

"I need to see you, Liv. To see for myself that you're coping. I won't sleep until I do."

He could hear her try to take a deeper breath and he leaned against the door with his forearm, frowning, listening intently to any sound she might make. He jumped when he suddenly heard her at the door.

"Okay," she said quietly and then she was already unlocking the hotel room door.

Elliot quickly shoved his phone in his pocket and picked up the bag he'd brought. He wanted to rush inside before she could change her mind but he deliberately moved slowly, ignoring all his own urges and focusing on Olivia's needs instead. He stepped into the room and then stopped to look at her, setting the bag down. He took a small step to the side when she moved to close the door and watched her movements. They were mechanical and she was avoiding looking at him. As soon as the door was closed, she turned around and walked away from him, towards the hotel bed. She stopped next to the bed and sighed. She was still not breathing completely normally and Elliot wished she would just look at him once, so he would know if it was safe to approach her. Safe for her, that was. He didn't want to upset her any further.

"I can't really help you," she said, her voice darker than he had expected. And her words surprised him too. How had he asked her for help?

She finally turned around then and all the air left his lungs for a few moments when he saw her face. She was pale except for her eyes, which were red-rimmed. He knew she hadn't been crying because Olivia didn't cry; not for herself anyway. She was still keeping it all inside. The bruises on her face and the injury on her forehead stood out starkly against her pale skin and she looked like a ghost; a ghost of herself, so empty that it broke his heart.

"You see, I'm not coping."

Her words reminded him of his own plea from behind the door, the words he'd used to get her to open it. He needed to see that she was coping. To hear her say she _wasn't_ coping, to _not_ hear her say she was fine as usual, brought him to his knees in a way he hadn't seen coming.

Olivia registered his pain and closed her eyes. He swore he could see her chin trembling then and he felt guilty instantly. He hadn't come here to ask anything of her but Olivia would still feel responsible for his well-being, even now.

"Olivia."

His voice was a mere whisper but he knew she was listening. She was already beginning to shake her head. He wanted to walk up to her and make physical contact with her in some way, but it wasn't what they did. Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed and Elliot wondered if it would be inappropriate to sit down next to her. She was only a few yards away from him but it felt like miles. He searched his mind for the right words to possibly bridge the distance.

"What do you need?" he asked her after a beat.

Olivia shrugged. She had no idea and he didn't know what to do with her in this state.

"Then why did you let me in?"

Her eyes flicked up to his then and he saw a flash in them that reminded him of the Olivia he knew so well.

"You asked me to."

Her words held something resembling an accusation.

"I didn't think you should be alone right now," Elliot explained.

Olivia remained silent, and it looked like she was barely listening to him. She was focusing on her breathing, finally regaining full control over it. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Was she pushing everything back down, bottling it up again? Was she doing it for his benefit? And what could possibly knock her off balance this much? He approached her slowly and decided to sit with her. He left a respectable distance between them of almost two feet and he saw her glance next to her briefly - checking how far away he was.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he said quietly, and then he waited.

Olivia didn't say anything. She was fidgeting with the hem of her sweatshirt and Elliot looked at her more attentively. It wasn't cold, either outside or inside the hotel room, but she seemed to be wearing several layers of clothing. He'd seen it before. Survivors of assault often dressed like that, too, to cover their body up as much as possible; to shield it from new attacks. His chest constricted. She had told him she hadn't been raped. She'd been adamant about it. Then he realized that she didn't need to be raped to feel violated. She _had_ been violated. Attacked in her own home, where she was supposed to be safe. Bound, gagged and tortured. Humiliated.

"This is not on you, Liv."

She blinked fast a few times and he knew he'd struck a nerve. Did she really think it was somehow _her_ fault what Lewis had done? And what _had_ he done to reduce the fierce Detective to this shadow of her former self so quickly?

"What did he do to you, Olivia?"

He had spoken quietly like before but Olivia sat up straight instantly, finding some inner strength to repeat to him,

"He didn't rape me, El! I told you that!"

Elliot chewed on his lower lip, staring at his shaky partner, who had glared at him briefly but was now staring in the distance.

"I know that," he acknowledged. "But he did _something_ to make you like this."

He gestured at her, knowing she'd register his every move even without looking at him.

"Did he mess with your head?"

Olivia bowed her head and he saw her pull her lower lip between her teeth. That was his answer. Lewis must have said something to make her like this. But what? What could possible topple Olivia Benson in just a couple of hours and make her crash and burn like she seemed to be? The beast had hurt her physically but Olivia could take that. He must have done something to her mind as well. It was the only explanation.

Still, Olivia didn't speak. She didn't give him anything to work with and in the end, he decided that trying to make her talk before she was ready wasn't going to work. He had known that but somehow he must have hoped she'd at least give him something. But it seemed as if she wasn't just giving him nothing, but there actually _was_ nothing there anymore. She seemed so empty that it scared him. Leaving her alone wasn't an option anymore. Not when she was like this. If he was completely honest with himself, he wasn't even sure if she would reach a point where she would want to harm herself. The thought shocked him, but so had Olivia's demeanor.

He stood up, careful not to startle her, and walked back to the door, to the bag he'd left there.

"Have you eaten anything?" he asked.

"No."

Her relief that he had changed the subject was palpable and she was watching him now as he picked up the bag and set it on the foot of the bed.

"I had brought a few things when I came over to your place," he explained, and Olivia's interest seemed to be piqued.

Elliot pulled out a six pack of beer with a half smile. Olivia didn't return his smile but seemed interested in the beverage. He uncapped one of the bottles and handed it to her. He then pulled a bag of crisps and a bag of popcorn out of the bag.

"Which one?" he asked her.

She shrugged, again.

"You choose," she said quietly before taking a sip of her beer. "I'm not really hungry."

Olivia scooted back on the bed until she was leaning against the headboard and Elliot wondered if he was supposed to join her. She seemed so lifeless that he wasn't sure about anything right now. He stared at her for a few moments, still standing at the foot of the bed, and she finally lifted her eyes to meet his.

"I'm sorry I'm such lousy company. Feel free to leave at any moment. I'll understand."

Her words finally propelled him into action and he joined her on the bed, sitting to her left and placing the bag of crisps between them.

"I'm not leaving."

His tone had been decisive and Olivia raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"You're planning to spend the night with me?"

"If I have to, yes," Elliot stated, in a tone that left no room for argument or a double entendre.

"Why?" Olivia asked and he stared at her for a few moments. Was she being serious?

"I'm your partner. For better or worse, remember?"

Olivia swallowed visibly while averting her eyes once more. If Elliot hadn't realized that something was devastatingly wrong with her, he knew for certain when he heard her next words.

"Maybe you should find yourself a new partner."

…

**To be continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would love to know your thoughts about this!


	6. Chapter 6

**6.**

_"Maybe you should find yourself a new partner."_

Olivia couldn't look at him now.

She'd heard his breath hitch at her words and he was temporarily stunned into silence. He didn't know yet. He hadn't seen it yet. And she wasn't ready for him to see. Not him. Not her partner. Not the man who had been counting on her for fourteen years to have his back. Not the man she … She didn't allow herself to finish that thought. There was a big mess inside her head already. No need to add any more to it.

She was a fraud. A fake. Everything she had accomplished was just a facade to hide who and what she truly was. She was damaged goods. It wasn't safe to rely on her for backup. It had never been safe, no matter how hard she'd tried. A couple of hours with someone who could see right through her and she was shattering. It was proof that it had all just been an act. But how could she make him understand that? He still believed in the facade and she was afraid to show him what was behind it. What Lewis had seen.

...

_ Flashback _

"I see you."

"You're broken."

"You're a fine actress, I give you that. But deep down … deep down, Olivia, you know the truth. And you're scared to death that they're gonna find out."

He moved the barrel of her gun along the outline of her jaw as if he was caressing her with it.

"So scared."

She still tried to glare at him but she could feel her resistance slip away. He was getting to her. He was hitting too close to the mark.

"I'm not afraid of you," she managed, her voice steadier than she felt.

"You will be," he promised her, his eyes lighting up with evil delight. "Before I'm done with you, you will be so terrified that you'll want to die."

She refused to look at him, at his ever-present triumphant smirk. He was so proud of himself for having gotten his hands on her, almost getting off on that idea alone.

"And maybe that's for the best, isn't it. They'll all be better off without a fraud like you anyway."

...

"Olivia."

She blinked. That wasn't Lewis's taunting voice anymore.

"Liv."

"Yeah."

She tried to shake off the sense of utter helplessness that had washed over her, remembering that she was safe in her hotel room. And Elliot was there. He was looking at her as if he was afraid she would break any second. She looked away. She didn't want him to see her reduced to this trembling mess, lost in her own head and in all the painful truths that had suddenly been set free to overwhelm her. Elliot had no idea what to say or do and it only confirmed her sense of uselessness. Hadn't she just told him he needed to find another partner?

"You could work with Amaro," she managed to say, but her mouth was dry and she could barely form the words. "He … he's like you in a way. It would work."

"I already have a partner."

His voice sounded harsh, almost annoyed and her eyes flicked back to his. He was frowning and he was tense. She shook her head slowly, her eyes dropping to her hands in her lap. Her beer bottle had warmed up in her hands and she realized she'd been holding it tightly. She suddenly held it out to Elliot and asked him for another one. Elliot took the bottle from her hand silently and got up from the bed to get them both a new one. When he sat back down, he didn't sit next to her like before. Instead, he sat on the edge of the bed sideways, keeping one foot on the floor and turning his upper body to face her.

"Try to eat something with that."

Elliot's voice was even and somehow that steadied her a little. There was no pity in his eyes now. Lots of questions but no pity, so that was something. She just needed to keep herself together until he'd leave.  
But he'd said he would stay all night if he had to. She felt her heart rate go up again instantly. She didn't know how long she would be able to hold it all in. She'd been on the verge of a complete breakdown just moments before he'd knocked on her door. It had taken everything in her to take a breath at all to answer her phone. She had pushed it all down again, but her defenses had been weakened. The dam was going to break sooner or later.

She reached for the bag of crisps and took a few, chewing them dutifully before washing them down with her beer. There. She'd eaten something. Elliot almost cracked a smile but he was still just observing her, almost as if he was waiting for something.

"What?" she finally asked him. His silence was becoming unnerving, and she was unnerving herself enough as it was.

"You're not quitting."

His voice sounded rough, almost demanding. Olivia took a deep breath and tried to breathe out slowly. The air left her lungs but it was more like a huff than a slow breath.

"That's not you, Olivia. You don't quit. You'll get through this. You're a survivor."

Elliot knew about her past. He knew about the abuse she'd suffered as a child and that she was, indeed, a survivor. But what he didn't know was that while she had survived, she was still there some days. Even tonight, she'd been there. She had heard her mother all over again.

...

_ Flashback _

She didn't understand how he could know all of this. Where these words were coming from. Was he a mind reader? Or maybe he was projecting his own experiences. Her eyes kept closing on their own. She felt so drowsy and disoriented. And then she'd jolt upright again because of the pain. Another burn on her chest … no, on her breast this time. The inside of her right breast. She gritted her teeth, determined not to cry out. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"Stay with me, sweetheart. You don't want to miss even a minute with me. No more sleeping tonight until we've done it all. Understood?"

She forced her eyes to open and nodded slowly.

"Good girl. Very good. Now, where were we?"

She widened her eyes to keep them open but she felt completely numb all over except for the burns on her chest. Her skin was throbbing where he'd burned her earlier and the latest addition just kept burning and burning, even though he'd already removed the cigarette, casually lighting it again to smoke it.

"Let me guess … it's always the cases with the children that hit the hardest, right? Something about innocence being brutally taken away. You can't let that happen again, can you? Not again. Not like what happened to you."

"You have no idea who you're dealing with," she said, wanting to sound fierce and strong, but what she heard was someone muttering like she was drunk. She probably was.

"Oh, but I do, Olivia. I do. You see, all that stuff about your daddy … I know it's a load of crap. You never even _had_ a daddy. And I'm pretty sure you know why, too."

She tried to focus on his face but she couldn't. Everything was blurry. She felt Lewis's hand then, caressing her hair.

"There there," he whispered and somehow she knew that her eyes had filled with tears. That's why everything was blurry. That's why he was pretending to comfort her now.

"It's alright, Olivia. You're with me now. Nobody wanted you, but I do. _I_ do. See? Finally, somebody wants you. Your father didn't want you. He never even looked back, did he? And your mother? Well, in those days it was so shameful to have a child out of wedlock. And single mothers were shunned by everyone. She must have resented you so much."

This time Olivia closed her eyes because she wanted to. She knew he'd probably burn her again but she couldn't deal with what he was saying. There was no way he could know all of this. Maybe he'd seen her file and he'd seen no father listed but everything else … he was just making it up as he went. But how could he be so right all the time? Was she _that_ easy to read after all?

_"You shouldn't even be here!"_

_"I can't even look at you. You're so like him!"_

A lump formed in Olivia's throat. She was back in their apartment, twelve years old, shaking with fear of her mother, who was on one of her drunken rants.

...

"Liv!"

Once again, Elliot's voice pulled her out of her disturbing thoughts and she blinked. Elliot was reaching for her but seemed hesitant to touch her.

"Olivia, can I …? he asked her.

She wanted to say no. They didn't normally touch each other unless it was necessary. But maybe if it made him feel better … and so she nodded. Elliot scooted close to her again, sitting next to her with his back against the headboard like she was and carefully draped his arm behind her. She stayed rigid for a few moments, until his warm hand wrapped around her shoulder and he pulled her into him gently. She gave in then and leaned against him, letting out a long breath at last.

They sat quietly for a while, her head resting lightly against his shoulder, and then Elliot spoke up.

"Liv, I'm not gonna pretend that I know what goes on inside your head but … what you're feeling right now isn't how it's gonna stay. You know that, right? It's all still very fresh but … you're a fighter. You've got this. I know you do. But right now, you're not feeling that and it's okay. Just … just don't make any decisions right now, alright? Give yourself some time to deal with this. With what he said to you."

Olivia stiffened next to him and he wondered once more what Lewis could have said to her that had her so rattled; so beside herself almost.

"Can you tell me about that?" he asked her, making sure his voice stayed calm and composed.

Olivia didn't need his anger right now. Once she was back on her feet, they could be angry together. But right now, he needed to give her space to deal with whatever that fucker had put in her head.

Olivia sighed and closed her eyes, resting her head against his arm for a few moments. Elliot waited, hoping she would be able to tell him something. Anything, at this point. But it didn't look like she was going to tell him anything. She _was_ relaxing a bit though, and that was worth something too. He listened to her breathing, which was now calm and even again, and he wondered if she was falling asleep. He closed his eyes as well, content to just be sitting here with her for the time being. As long as she was resting, she was okay.

Elliot had no idea how much time had passed by when Olivia suddenly spoke up. He opened his eyes to look at her when she told him,

"He can see right through me."

He didn't have to ask who but he wanted to know what she meant. He'd had an idea that Lewis was someone who could read people, but what could he have put in Olivia's head? He was a manipulator for sure. Olivia had baited him in interrogation, but he'd baited her right back. He'd basically given them a detailed account of all the things he'd done to Mrs. Parker, but in a hypothetical way that couldn't be used as a confession. She'd gotten him to talk but he had never made a mistake. He hadn't slipped up once. Elliot had watched her in there with Amaro from behind the two-way mirror, and he knew they could handle it. Olivia would get it all out of him and Amaro would get him pissed off so he'd slip up. But then his lawyer had shown up, and the cocky young woman had dismissed them all.

"He's a manipulator," Elliot told Olivia. "He pushes buttons until he gets a reaction."

"But how does he know which buttons to push?" she asked.

Her voice was too fragile and although he was happy she had been resting, now he wanted her to open her eyes again. He needed to see how she was coping, and only her eyes could tell him that.

"He doesn't, Liv," he told her, hoping she'd look at him. And sure enough, her eyes opened and she turned her head to look at him. "He just pushes a few to see how you react, and takes it from there."

She nodded slowly and he was glad that he was making sense. But he hoped she would continue talking so he prodded,

"Which buttons did he push that got a reaction from you?"

Olivia scoffed, and it was the first real reaction he'd gotten from her since he'd entered her hotel room.

" _All_ of them."

Elliot rubbed her shoulder while focusing on staying calm. No anger tonight, just support.

"Can you tell me about that?"

Olivia shook her head again, like she'd done several times now. It was as if she was shaking her head at herself, telling herself she's screwed up somehow; rejecting herself.

"Why did you tell me to get a new partner?" he asked.

"Because I'm damaged goods."

Elliot frowned at her answer, but then shrugged and chuckled.

"So? Aren't we all?"

...

**To be continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry to break it off here. There is a point to this conversation, really. They are just taking their time getting to it and I have to let them do this at their own pace. I don't own them, they own me.


	7. Chapter 7

**7.**

Olivia wanted to think he had a point. In a sense, everyone _was_ a little broken. But was everyone putting on a show like she had been doing? She'd been hiding her whole life. At home, where she'd been hiding from her mother's angry and sometimes violent outbursts; at school, where no one was to know about her mother's drinking and no one could see her bruises; she'd kept to herself in college and then she had finally found the perfect hiding place: a police uniform. When she was wearing that uniform, and later her Detective badge, she was someone. She belonged. She mattered. But without it?

Lewis had stripped her of everything that she'd identified with, digging through her defensive layers until he'd exposed her completely and she'd been left with her one true identity: her mother's child. He had been more skillful than the best-trained psychiatrist could have been; more precise than the world's best brain surgeon. He'd gotten to her and she had a very hard time coming back from that.

"Hey," Elliot said and her eyes flicked back to his. "You may be damaged, but that doesn't mean you're worthless. Your own words, Liv. You've said things like that to so many others over the years but they're true for you too."

She nodded slowly, absently. That was the theory.

"So we come from screwed-up families. But we got away from that," Elliot added.

"Did we?"

She could feel her partner holding back. His restraint was almost tangible. It wasn't her goal to upset him or make him angry and she shook her head, again.

"I don't know about me, but I know _you_ did," Elliot said, and she wanted to believe him.

She wanted to feel that conviction she heard in his voice. But she just couldn't. Not after she'd been exposed so completely. She'd been back in the past, undergoing her mother's rejection day in and day out. For all the defenses she'd pulled up, all the ways she'd hardened herself over the years and forced herself to work for others; for all the good she'd tried to do to prove to herself and the world that she did deserve to be here, ultimately she had failed to heal herself. Lewis had seen who she really was deep down. She was still that frightened child and everything she'd built up over the years had not helped that child heal. All she had done was build a high, thick wall around her.

_Your whole life is a lie._

He had laughed at her. Called her a fake cop. He had seen a trembling child, hiding deep inside of her; hiding from the world so nobody would ever see her.

"Liv. Look at me."

Olivia forced herself to meet Elliot's eyes again. In the end, she hadn't even allowed Elliot to see her. Not really. Not everything.

"You are one of the strongest people I know. You've overcome so much. And I know you will overcome this as well."

His faith in her was unwavering but she had to wonder if it was justified.

"Maybe I haven't even begun to overcome anything," she said somberly.

Elliot was silent for a minute, but just when she began to wonder if he was going to say anything else, he asked her,

"What makes you say that, Liv? What did he say to you that makes you doubt everything you've accomplished?"

_It's all an act. Once they see what you really are, why would anyone ever put their faith in you again?_

Lewis's voice continued to drone in her head, almost drowning out Elliot's voice completely. She felt foggy but was afraid to try to sleep. Each time she closed her eyes, she saw his face; she saw the maniacal look in his eyes; and she felt what she had felt all over again. She felt exposed. Naked. Vulnerable. Ashamed. And she didn't know how to cover herself up again.

"Liv, you're shaking," Elliot said softly.

Olivia pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her knees, trapping the pillow against her stomach that she'd still been clutching. It pushed against the burns on her stomach and chest but in a way, it felt good to feel the pain. At least she felt something other than shame for a few moments.

"I'm just cold," she lied, knowing full well that Elliot wouldn't believe her.

"Why don't you get under the covers?"

Elliot got up from the bed and started to pull the comforter down a little. Olivia felt her heart rate go up instantly. She wasn't going to lie down. She had to stay upright; ready to fight or to flee. She shook her head but she wondered if Elliot could even see the movement, since she was now shaking all over.

"No," she said, clenching her teeth to keep them from chattering.

Elliot stilled and looked at her for a few moments. She supposed he didn't know what to do with her and she couldn't blame him.

"Olivia," Elliot said, and she thought he was insisting she get under the covers.

"No!" she said more forcefully now and the moment she did so, she registered the surprise on Elliot's face. He put his hands up, palms out. Olivia tried to stop the shaking of her body but she couldn't. Her breath hitched and the look in Elliot's eyes instantly changed from surprise back to concern.

"What do you need?" he asked her, his voice gentle again.

But she didn't know. All she wanted was to simply not exist for a while. To sleep without dreaming, but she was afraid to close her eyes. She felt like everything she'd try to make of her life had been ripped away and she was walking on quicksand. What she needed was something to hold on to. Solid ground beneath her feet. She didn't want to feel like she was suffocating or drowning anymore.

…

Elliot was quickly running out of ways to try and reach his partner. He thought he was getting somewhere, getting her to eat something and getting her to talk, but she seemed to be shutting down again. She seemed lost at sea and his heart was hurting for her. What could he do? How could he throw her a lifeline? What did she need? Why was she suddenly doubting herself so much? She had come so far; had grown so much and had become such an enormous force for good after what she'd endured as a child, and what she had found out about her ancestry. What had that bastard done to her to make her question everything about the life she had built for herself?

He could tell that she couldn't formulate an answer to his question. She couldn't tell him what she needed so he would need to decide for her. She didn't want to lie down and he took that to mean she wanted to stay on guard. She was unable to relax. And while she was trying to keep up a strong front, he knew she was more vulnerable now than he'd ever seen her before. He would have to choose his words and actions carefully. She needed a lifeline; something to grab hold of so he could pull her back to shore.

She had been that lifeline for him so many times. The way she understood him and the way they could act as one while they were on the job, was what was keeping him in this unit. It made all the depravity they dealt with on a daily basis bearable, because together, they could make a difference. He'd been adrift when she left and his entire being hadn't been able to relax until she finally returned to be his partner once again. She had been his anchor after he'd shot Jenna. Without her, he surely would have put his papers in that day. How could someone as supportive and wonderful like that doubt herself so deeply now?

"I need you, Olivia."

He'd spoken the words without really thinking about it. She couldn't tell him what she needed, but he knew what _he_ needed. They were both staring at each other after his words, both a little shocked. But the surprise in her eyes quickly gave way to a question. _Why?_

And suddenly the words came easily to him. Maybe this was the lifeline she needed. Maybe he needed to tell her what she meant to _him._ He knelt next to the bed and rested his elbows on the mattress, bringing himself at eye level with her and waiting until she made eye contact once more before he spoke again.

"Whenever things get too much, you're there for me. You got me through so many hard times, Liv. I guess you don't even realize it half the time."

He took a breath, hoping he was on the right track.

"But you make me a better man and a better cop," he continued. "You ground me, Liv. And I hope I can do the same for you."

He could tell that he had gotten her attention. His last words seem to strike a cord with her. And so he continued, remembering the evening they'd had.

"You know I wanted to shoot that bastard in the head, right? You know I wanted to kick his teeth in and break every bone in his body for what he did to you."

Olivia nodded, her wide, unblinking eyes never leaving his. She was listening.

"You _grounded_ me back there, Liv. You were the only reason I was able to do the right thing. You warned me and I didn't execute him. Nobody would have cared that the prick was dead and I had a clear shot … but when I heard your voice … that's when I was able to flip that switch and do the right thing. He was goading me but you grounded me. That's gotta be worth something, right?"

His voice broke on the last word and he held his breath, waiting for Olivia's reaction. Anyone else would think she wasn't reacting at all, but he could see it. He could see the emotion in her eyes and after a few beats, her beautiful brown eyes glossed over. She pulled her lips between her teeth but he could see the slight tremble of her chin.

"You are such an amazing woman, Olivia Benson."

He lifted his hand slowly and reached out, watching her closely for a reaction. When she didn't seem to pull back, he rested his hand on her left knee lightly.

"Whatever he told you, it's a lie."

She swallowed and took a breath to say something. She blinked once, slowly; then she looked at him again. She unclasped her hands that were still wrapped tightly around her legs and put her right hand over his hand on her knee.

"You don't know what he said. You don't know what he _saw_."

"I don't need to know what he thinks he saw. I know what _I_ see."

He heard the unspoken question in her eyes loud and clear. _What do you see?_ She was looking at him for guidance now; no longer closed off but opening up just a crack, desperate for something to cling to, to keep her afloat.

"Having you in my life has made me a better man, Olivia. And I hope I've added something to your life as well."

"You have," she whispered. Elliot continued boldly, sensing that he was finally connecting with his partner again.

"If our partnership has proven anything, it's that nothing can tear us apart. Not permanently anyway. You and me … we're _it_ , Olivia. For better or worse, remember? We're equal parts in this partnership. It's not complete without you."

Their hands were still resting on Olivia's knee together and he could feel her relax just a little bit at last.

"We _did_ get away from our past, Liv. You are not your parents, just like I'm not my father."

"You've fought so hard not to become like him."

Olivia's voice was soft but not as shaky as it had been.

"Do you think I succeeded?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"You know I still have doubts about that sometimes."

She squeezed his hand then, and moved her other hand underneath his, so she was holding his hand in between her own.

"You are nothing like your father," Olivia insisted.

"You really believe that, don't you?"

She nodded.

"I do."

"Okay. So now I'm telling _you_ that you are nothing like either one of your parents. And you know I really believe that."

He saw a slight tremor at the corner of Olivia's mouth. He couldn't hope for an actual smile just yet, but it was encouraging.

"Maybe you're still scared sometimes, and maybe you still think about the bad times. But that doesn't mean you haven't grown and changed."

Elliot added his other hand to the pile of hands on Olivia's knee and she finally lowered her legs until she was sitting cross legged facing him. Their hands were still tangled together in her lap and she looked down at them, gently rubbing Elliot's thumb with her own.

"You have so much faith in me."

"It's warranted."

"You really believe that, don't you?"

"Yeah. I do. Just like you believe in me."

Olivia looked up into his eyes, opening her mouth to say something, but Elliot cut her off, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Don't tell me that's different. It's exactly the same thing."

She stared at him, almost as if she was trying to look inside his mind, still trying to understand. He could tell that she was gradually allowing herself to be pulled up, but she wasn't there yet.

"I don't expect you to be back to normal tomorrow, Liv. I know it will take time to deal with what you were put through tonight. You don't have to be strong for me. You're always strong for everybody else. Just let me be strong for you this time, alright?"

She tilted her head, processing what he had said.

"Just humor me, Liv."

One corner of her mouth tugged up a bit again and he smiled at her.

"For me?"

He knew he was manipulating her a little, throwing in some puppy eyes for good measure but he was just so relieved that he was finally getting through to her. His face lit up when she nodded and whispered a soft 'okay' and he wished he could hug her right now. He didn't though. They rarely hugged and this wasn't the time to startle her with something so unusual. He saw Olivia's shoulders sag a little and he knew that was actually a good sign. She was relaxing at last. Before he could think of anything else to say, she sighed,

"I'm so tired."

Elliot wondered if she was ready to lie down now but he wasn't sure if he should suggest it again. Instead, he promised her,

"I'm not going anywhere, Liv. I'll stand guard all night if I have to."

...

Olivia nodded, looking down at their joined hands again.

"You're really serious about this whole 'being the strong one', aren't you?" she asked him.

"Yes, I am," he confirmed, a small smile playing on his lips.

She took a deep breath and she knew it was the first deep breath she'd taken all night since she got to this hotel. She blew it out and lifted her eyes to meet Elliot's eyes again. She wanted to relax in his presence. If there was anyone left in the world that she trusted not to hurt her, it was him. But what if he would finally see the state she was truly in? Would he pull away, disappointed?

But he had stirred something inside her when he said that she had been the one to ground him, back when he had his gun aimed at Lewis. She was the one who could reach him when his anger threatened to overtake him, like he was so often the one who could reach her when she took a case too personally. It was what they did. They pulled each other back from the brink. He was trying to pull her back now, too and for the first time since he had arrived at her hotel room, she was glad he was there.

…

**To be continued**


	8. Chapter 8

**8.**

"So you're literally going to stand there all night?" she asked her partner, who had walked to her hotel room to check that it was properly locked, and was now leaning against the wall next to the door. How serious was he exactly about standing guard?

Elliot shrugged.

"Whatever helps you sleep, Liv."

"I don't know if I want to sleep."

"I dare you to stay awake. Something tells me your painkillers are starting to kick in."

He wasn't wrong. Her eyes were beginning to droop, but the thought of losing control of her own senses - again - made her anxious. She had passed out several times during the hours Lewis had had her, and waking up again had been a regular nightmare each time.

_Hey sweetheart. Did you miss me?_

_There she is. Not so tough now, huh, without your badge and gun._

Lewis had taunted her with her badge and at one point, he had turned on the stove and dumped her badge in her frying pan along with her house key and a coat hanger, that he'd bent completely out of shape first. She had remembered the crime scene photos of Mrs. Parker's apartment and ...

"Do you think you could just lie down, see how it goes?" Elliot asked her, and she startled out of her disturbing memories.

Olivia could see Elliot visibly bracing himself for her reaction. For her rejection. It was painful to see. Was she really that difficult? She felt a lump forming unexpectedly in her throat and almost panicked. She couldn't have that again. She wasn't going to cry. She swallowed, hoping the emotion behind that lump would dissolve for now, and nodded. Maybe lying down wasn't such a bad idea. Her body was exhausted. She would just rest but stay awake.

"Just talk to me for a while?" she asked Elliot while scooting under the covers.

Elliot approached the bed again and took the extra pillow she'd been clutching from her hands. He sat down on the foot of the bed and put the pillow in his lap.

"About what?"

"Anything. Normal things. Tell me about Eli. Is he going to school yet?"

Elliot smiled and Olivia tried to relax while he started telling her about his youngest child. Eli was five already. The day of his birth was ingrained in her memory forever and it was hard to believe that the tiny, squirming baby she'd held against her chest in that ambulance, was already riding a bike and playing soccer with his friends in the playground of his school. She thought of the boy with the blonde curls and the bright blue Stabler eyes and when her eyes drooped closed, she envisioned him laughing and having fun. It was a nice image to relax to, to watch innocent children play. She could almost hear the cheerful playground sounds, as if they were right outside her window.

Olivia imagined walking across the playground, smiling as the sun warmed her face. This was what a childhood was supposed to be. At this age, she had been innocent too, not even fully aware yet that not all mothers were as angry as her own. She watched the children play for a while but then felt as if a dark shadow was cast over the scene. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end instantly and she was aware of his presence even before she heard his voice.

" _You were broken even then, Olivia. You've always been broken."_

Her eyes shifted to a young girl, maybe four years old, who was sitting against the wall of the school all alone, watching the other children play. She knew who that child was. Her arm was in a sling. She remembered. It hadn't been that she didn't want to play, or even that she wasn't welcome to join in. But she often had these injuries that kept her from being carefree like the other children. Because she was so clumsy, so her mother had told the teacher.

And then suddenly, Lewis was there. He stepped into view from behind her, gun in hand, and walked up to the younger version of herself. Olivia wanted to stop him but she found herself frozen in place, unable to move or do anything. She wanted to shout _No_ but her voice wouldn't cooperate. It was as if she wasn't really there, but she was just watching a movie. All she could do was watch how Lewis grabbed the little girl by her good arm and yanked her to her feet.

…

She had fallen asleep.

Elliot watched his partner for a while. Her breathing had finally evened out and she was lying on her right side. Her mouth was slightly open, her right hand was resting on the pillow while her left arm was almost dropping off the mattress. He wanted to lie down and rest a little too, but it didn't feel right to join Olivia on the bed. He stood up and was careful not to make any noise while he toed off his shoes and grabbed an extra blanket from the closet. He draped it on the floor next to Olivia - as close to her as he could be without being on the bed. He used the extra pillow and hoped he wouldn't cool off too much without any covers. He was still wearing the same suit pants he'd worn to work the previous day, there had been no opportunity to change. He had been eager to see the kids after work. When he returned to Manhattan, he had been eager to get to Olivia's and after freeing her, he had been even more eager to make sure Olivia was safe at the hotel, to get his chat with IAB over and done with and then to get back to Olivia. All he had done was switch his bloodstained jacket for an NYPD sweater before heading to IAB.

He lay down on his back and stared up at the ceiling, listening to Olivia's breathing. He had a hard time getting the images out of his head of her, duct-taped to a chair and severely beaten and burned, and he knew it had to be a thousand times worse for her. She had been at the mercy of this maniac and that wasn't going to sit well with her. It was a miracle that she was able to relax enough to fall asleep at all. Based on his training and experience, he knew that the worst was yet to come. Gradually, things would start to sink in. That's why he hoped she would get as much sleep as possible now, before the sleepless nights would begin. He could only hope she would allow him to be there for her then, like she had allowed him to stay tonight.

When he finally managed to relax a little bit, he was suddenly on high alert again when he heard Olivia groan. He opened his eyes and looked to his left where he could see her arm on the edge of the mattress, waiting for any further movement on the bed. Olivia groaned again, and he heard a muffled 'no' fall from her lips. She was dreaming. Elliot wondered if he should try to wake her up but decided to wait for a minute to see if maybe she'd settle down again, because she really needed the sleep. But then she groaned again and her breathing picked up.

…

The serene scene on the playground had turned into a horror movie. The little girl was crying but Olivia couldn't hear her. All she could hear was her own heartbeat ringing in her ears while the scene before her unfolded. The other children continued to play as if nothing was wrong and even the teachers looked the other way.

" _It's always been like this, hasn't it?"_

Lewis's voice seemed to be coming from all around her and the words he'd spoken to her back in her apartment haunted her.

" _Nobody ever really saw you, did they? So why even show yourself at all anymore, right?"_

" _But I see you, Olivia. I see you … You wanna be this big, strong police officer, but deep down, you're still just a scared little girl."_

Lewis was caressing the girl's cheek with his gun now, tracing the outline of her face until he pushed the barrel under her jaw.

" _Nobody ever came to save you …"_

Olivia reached out again, trying desperately to walk up to them but she felt like she was walking through quicksand. She wanted to yell and kick and scream but she couldn't. She couldn't save the little girl. She couldn't save herself …

…

Olivia let out a strangled sob and Elliot was on his feet now. She wasn't going to settle back down but he wasn't sure how he should wake her up. He didn't want to startle her by touching her but when he sat down next to her, his hand found her shoulder almost automatically. He could feel how hot and clammy she was through several layers of clothing.

She jerked against his touch and Elliot quickly retracted his hand, calling her name instead.

"Liv. Olivia … wake up. You're having a bad dream."

" _You think this is just a bad dream, don't you? But maybe this is more real than anything you've ever done …"_

"Hey, it's okay … it's okay. You're safe now."

" _You think you're safe now? But you know, I'll be in your head forever."_

"Wake up, Liv, please …"

" _I am an agent of change, nailed to the trajectory of people's lives. They might have hopes and dreams before they meet me, but then ... Then they run into me, life as they knew it is gone."_

Lewis laughed then, an evil glimmer in his eye as he pushed the barrel more firmly against the little girl's neck. The panic in the girl's eyes was evident and she was looking straight at her. Lewis's voice was cold when he added,

" _Maybe that's for the best in your case."_

And then he pulled the trigger.

Olivia shot up and let out a blood curdling scream that ripped Elliot's heart in half. She almost sounded like a wounded animal and he had wrapped his arms around her before he could even think about it. Olivia was wheezing, clutching his sweater with both hands but she was clearly not awake and in the present yet.

"No, no, no," she cried, the first tears making their way down her heated cheeks, and her shoulders shook when she dropped her head into her hands.

She wasn't pushing him away and Elliot rubbed her back gently with one hand, hoping to coax her back to the present. Olivia was inconsolable and he'd never seen her like this in his life. He knew she had her demons just like him, but she never fully let go. He had only seen her really go off on a perp once, and that was during that whole mess with Simon. She had finally found a living relative and it was all going to hell. But even then, she had been nothing like this. He had never seen her cry before. She was sobbing and crying as if her life depended on it, gasping for air from time to time, but there was no stopping it now that the floodgates had opened. After a few minutes he actually became worried that she was going to choke on her own grief. Her sobs were growing more muffled and she gasped for air more frequently through her mouth, her nose already completely congested by now.

"Liv … Olivia," Elliot coaxed, trying to sound soothing, but even he could hear the growing concern in his own voice.

Olivia hiccuped, making a feeble attempt to stop crying but when she stopped breathing for a few moments, holding her breath, Elliot panicked.

"Olivia, breathe!" he said loudly.

He knew he was startling her but at this point he didn't care. She had to keep breathing. Olivia let out a soft wail as she exhaled and lifted her reddened, puffy eyes to his for a moment. Elliot felt like crying with her when he saw the grief-stricken look in her eyes. She was pleading for help without saying the words and without hesitation, Elliot pulled her against him, cradling her head and pressing his cheek against hers.

"I've got you Liv. I've got you," he whispered a few times. "I'm here."

Hesitantly, Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist but once she was holding on to him, he knew she wasn't about to let go. She was clutching him now, holding onto him for dear life, not crying as loudly as before and somehow, her quiet grief cut him even more deeply. Her breaths came out in hot puffs of air against his neck and she let out soft sounds of agony each time. Her body was trembling and her shoulders were still shaking but after what seemed like hours, she finally spoke.

"He killed her."

Elliot wasn't sure he'd understood her correctly but before he could ask, he whispered again,

"He killed her. And it was _me_."

"What? Who? Olivia, who are you talking about? Who did he kill?"

...

She knew it had been a dream. She knew that now. She was in a hotel room and her partner was there. Lewis was in a hospital or maybe he was already in jail. He wasn't there and he hadn't shot the little girl. Her past self … And yet she couldn't shake the feeling that maybe he had. Or maybe he might as well have. All of her pain from the past had bubbled to the surface. He'd brought it all back and she was drowning in it. She had fought so hard to overcome her upbringing and her disturbing ancestry but had she, really? Had she overcome anything if the pain could still swallow her whole like it was doing now?

When the gunshot had rung in her dream, she had felt it. It had been as if she herself had gotten shot, even if she saw the little girl sink down to the ground, her blood splattered all over the wall behind her. She knew it had been Lewis's end game. He was always going to kill her. She just couldn't wrap her mind around what she had just experienced. Wasn't she supposed to feel dead inside now? But she didn't feel dead inside. There was this excruciating pain that almost made her panic as she tried to claw her way back up to the surface.

She was clinging to Elliot desperately, begging him wordlessly not to let go of her. She barely recognized herself in this state but all she could think was that she couldn't let herself drown. She had to fight.

"I wanna live."

The words were coming from a deep place inside her, having been buried under so many layers of shame and doubt and pain, that they had never seen the light of day before.

Elliot was saying something and she repeated on a gasp,

"I wanna live."

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Different circumstances but the same words. I can hear her say them so clearly! And they mean even more here ... to be continued.


	9. Chapter 9

**9.**

To say he was stunned was an understatement.

Just when he thought he had never seen Olivia this broken and vulnerable, she added another element to the anguish she was exuding. He had been very concerned that she would wall herself up again too quickly after her ordeal. She never let anyone truly see her and he knew she wouldn't want anyone to see her pain. She would want to carry it all by herself. He knew, because he was the same way and he had recognized himself in the way Olivia carried herself from the beginning of their partnership.

But instead of rebuilding her defensive walls as quickly as she could, it seemed she was pouring herself out now. Now that she was allowing herself to cry, the dam had broken and there was no way back. And her desperate cry cut him to the core.

_I want to live._

He knew it meant more than just staying alive physically. He could feel it. Something had triggered her - Lewis had triggered her - and this was what it boiled down to. She wanted to live. Truly live. And she deserved it, so much. He held her close to him, allowing a few tears of his own to spill into her hair. If anyone deserved the world, it was Olivia. She had been denied so much, and in turn had denied herself too much. She felt like she didn't deserve anything because she was only here because a crime was committed. And no matter how many others she had tried to convince over the years that what happened to them wasn't their fault, she still carried all that guilt on her own shoulders; guilt over something that wasn't her fault either.

Olivia's sniffling finally subsided, probably from pure exhaustion, and Elliot lifted his head to look at her. Her face was white as a sheet except for the bruises and the gash on her forehead, and her eyes were puffy and red. She could barely keep them open. She started stammering an apology but he silenced her immediately, shaking his head.

"Don't apologize, Liv. Never apologize. It's okay."

She bit her lip and retracted her arms from around him, dropping them in her lap, but she didn't move away from him and didn't seem to mind that his hand was still resting lightly on her hip. He used the hand that had been cradling her head to cover her hands and she looked at their joined hands. She was finally breathing somewhat normally again and Elliot wanted to ask her about her dream. _He killed her_ , she'd said.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" he asked her after a brief silence.

Olivia shook her head, still looking down at her hands.

"It wasn't real," she whispered. "It was just a dream."

"Okay."

He didn't want to push her but he wasn't sure what he could say to stop her from closing up again. And then she spoke again.

"I was just a little girl in the dream."

Elliot closed his eyes for a moment. He'd often wondered about Olivia's life when she was just a child. She had only ever told him bits and pieces about it but he knew only too well what it was like to grow up with a frustrated, violent parent. He had hardened himself, vowing never to become his father and Olivia had hardened herself by becoming a fighter for little girls like herself and women like her mother. But she must have been a vulnerable child once. Could Lewis really have gone there? Could he really have gotten to the very core of her issues in a matter of hours? No wonder she had said he'd pushed all of her buttons.

"Tell me," he said softly when Olivia didn't continue.

She sighed and pulled one of her hands from underneath his to swipe away a stray tear.

"I couldn't save her."

"In the dream?"

"Yes."

"But in reality, you did save her."

She lifted her eyes to meet his then and she looked so sad when she asked him,

"Did I? Or did I just hide her away?"

...

Elliot tilted his head and looked at her, studying her, and she wanted to look away. But something in his eyes made her want to know what he'd say; maybe even what he'd _see_ if she let him. He was probing her - actually trying to find an answer to her question.  
The despair had subsided for the moment and she was so, so tired. But her cry, wanting to live, still reverberated in her mind. Because had she truly been living until now? Or had she just been surviving? Coping, by helping others? Playing the part of the strong, empathic Detective instead of healing from the inside out? She always recommended to others that they get counseling to get back on their feet after a traumatic experience but when had she actually allowed anyone to touch upon her own trauma? Sure, she had gone into therapy after her undercover stint at Sealview when the flashbacks and PTSD began to interfere with her job, but once she felt she could handle it again, she had stopped going.

"You don't have to hide anymore, Olivia. You don't have to be alone anymore."

Elliot's words would have made her roll her eyes on any other day. It was easy for him to say something like that. He had a big family to go home to at night. But she had been through the wringer tonight, feeling defeated, and right now, these were the words she needed to hear.  
For as long as she'd known him, Elliot had been a loyal friend and partner and as much as it scared her to admit it, she needed that right now. She needed someone to lean on, and that someone could only be him. He was still the longest relationship she'd ever had with anyone, not counting the dysfunctional on-and-off relationship she'd had with her mother. He was her beacon in this dark night. Maybe he had always been her beacon.

"Thank you, Elliot," she said simply, and then she found herself yawning unexpectedly.

Elliot asked her if she wanted to lie back down.

"I don't wanna dream again," she admitted.

She saw Elliot hesitate and look away before he told her,

"I'll be right here."

She nodded, appreciating his presence more than she had expected. She suddenly noticed the blanket on the floor and asked him,

"Why were you on the floor?"

Elliot chewed on his lower lip for a second and then told her he hadn't thought it was appropriate to share the bed with her, but she shook her head.

"That's alright. You can't sleep on the floor, Elliot. Just lie down next to me and talk to me some more."

When he seemed a little shocked at her suggestion she couldn't suppress a small smile.

"You said you weren't going anywhere and you do have to sleep. And I trust you, El."

He was the only man she'd ever trusted without reserve. He would never cross a line with her. If he were that kind of a man, he would have crossed the line years ago. He was a man of honor, the complete opposite of his father. He had managed to get away from his past even if he'd inherited his father's temper. He had never used his anger to hurt his wife or children.  
As they moved around to get comfortable, Elliot now joining her but refusing to get under the covers with her, her thoughts returned to the lonely little girl in her dream. She had worked hard to make a life for herself, too, but Elliot's words had struck a chord. She was still alone. And that's what Lewis had latched on to. She had no idea how the psychopath had known but he'd gotten to her.

" _I've been looking around a bit while you were napping. One robe in the bathroom, one toothbrush. You don't let them stay over, do you?"_

_She glared at him, unable to speak because of the duct tape over her mouth, but even if she could, she wouldn't say anything. He could go through her things but he wasn't going to get inside her head. Or was he inside her head already?_

" _Or maybe you go to their place, so you can leave when you're done. Screw 'em and then dump 'em, right? Before they can screw you over. So sad, really. So lonely."_

Elliot cleared his throat and Olivia blinked, coming out of her tiny flashback. Elliot seemed uncomfortable. He was lying on his back rigidly, on top of the covers she was under, with just the blanket he'd been sleeping on draped over himself. She wondered if he was really that uncomfortable being in a bed next to her.

"El," she said softly, and she waited until he turned his head to look at her.

They were now side by side, both on their backs, and looking at each other.

"If you want to go home, you can go. Get some actual sleep. Kathy must be wondering where you are."

"Liv, I told you I'm here for the night. Kathy isn't expecting me."

He sounded a little exasperated and Olivia decided to drop the subject. He must have told Kathy he wouldn't be home tonight. Maybe he'd told her they would be working on the Lewis case all night. They lay in silence for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling. Olivia was afraid to close her eyes. She didn't want to have a disturbing dream again, and each time she felt her eyes droop, the image of Lewis shooting the little girl popped back in her head. She had felt so exposed by him, by everything he'd said to her. So ashamed. But when she saw her younger self become his victim, a completely new feeling had surfaced.

She wanted that little girl to live. She wanted her to make a fulfilling life for herself and to find her purpose. There had to be more to life than just fighting to stay afloat day in and day out.

Elliot spoke up again and she tried to focus on his words.

"Oliva, what happened to your mother isn't your fault."

"I know that," she responded.

"Your conception was not your fault."

"I know that," she said again, a little softer than the first time.

"Your mother's decision to keep you was not your fault."

She remained silent, repeating the words only in her head now.

"The way you came into the world is not your fault."

"I know," she whispered, tears brimming in her eyes once again. Elliot's words fit seamlessly with her own thoughts and she felt herself crack open just a little further.

"Do you?" Elliot asked and she might have felt attacked if it hadn't been for the softness of his voice. He was getting emotional as well and for some reason, that strengthened her. It made her feel less alone in her struggle.

"Yes."

Because she did know. She knew the facts. But facts and experiences weren't the same thing.

"Then maybe it's time to let go of the guilt now."

Olivia threw an arm over her eyes. She didn't want to start crying again. She was so incredibly tired but her emotions were a jumbled mess. She was certain she wasn't going to fall asleep again but she hoped Elliot would get some rest. And once it got light again, she would send him home, where he belonged.

They had been silent for several minutes when Elliot suddenly declared,

"You know I would have beat up anyone who bothered you when you were little, don't you?"

Olivia found herself actually laughing softly, and she was grateful that Elliot was trying to lighten the mood a bit.

"Yeah, you would. You'd be in the principal's office every other day, probably," she said with a grin, turning her head to look at her nightly companion again.

"You know why, don't you?" His blue eyes found her browns in the semi-lit room. "You know what makes me mad, right?"

"Yeah. Injustice."

"Exactly. And what's been done to you was injustice. You didn't deserve any of it."

He turned on his side, facing her, and stressed, "You do know that, don't you? You never asked to be born. It's not your fault."

"You said that already."

"I need you to start believing it. To start living it. Don't buy into that crap Lewis has been feeding you. You _know_ you've already come a long way. But there's more for you, if you want it."

Olivia turned on her side as well and she studied her partner's face. He'd been a constant in her life for so long and he was always trying to encourage her, but he was getting far more personal now that he'd ever gotten before.

"Why do you try so hard?" she asked him softly, almost whispering, and she didn't need to clarify her question. Elliot knew what she was asking him. Why was he trying so hard for _her_?

"It's about time someone put you first, Olivia."

She stared at him, trying to understand what he was saying. He was putting her first? But that wasn't his job. He had a family. They should come first for him.

"It's not selfish to take care of yourself," Elliot continued. "You can't just live for everyone else. That's not really living, is it?"

_I wanna live._

He was right. She knew he was right. But by his own reasoning, shouldn't he be putting himself first?

...

"So what are you doing here then, El? You're supposed to put yourself first too, right? You should be at home, with your family."

Elliot was silent for a few moments, trying to find the right words to answer her question. Finally he told her,

"Being here … being here _is_ actually putting myself first, Olivia. I want to be here. For you. Being anywhere else tonight would drive me crazy."

Olivia frowned and Elliot could tell that she was confused. He got it. How could putting her first be putting himself first? But it was. He wasn't sure how he could explain that to her, but he knew it was true. He would always be a father to his children but he was at peace with the end of his marriage at last, just like Kathy was. He _was_ putting himself first now, maybe for the first time in his life. He had made a choice. It wasn't any sacrifice on his part to be here for Olivia now. He was exactly where he wanted to be.

He knew she would need time to heal from her ordeal, and maybe even more time to come to terms with everything that animal had stirred up in her. But he would be right there with her, if she'd let him. And from the way she had opened up to him already, he had hope she would be willing to lean on him a little for a while.

"How can being here be putting yourself first, Elliot? That doesn't make sense."

Elliot knew she'd been fighting her fatigue for a while now and she was trying to keep the conversation going to stay awake. He wanted to reach out and touch her cheek, to tell her that it was alright to go to sleep. That he'd be there. He didn't because he didn't want to touch her without permission. So instead, he hoped to convey his reassurance to her with words.

"It makes sense to me, Liv. You wanna know why? You wanna know why I try so hard for you?"

She just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. He took a deep breath and reached a decision in that moment.

"I love you, Liv."

And just like that, her eyes were wide open again, and Elliot quickly continued, now that he'd gotten the words out.

"Now I … I don't expect you to do anything with that right now, okay? You just focus on yourself for a while. I just … I wanted you to know. So you know why I'm always going to put you first."

"But …"

Elliot cut her off, knowing she would start objecting by bringing up his family again.

"We can talk about me later, Olivia. I know what I'm doing. I'm exactly where I want to be. Just go to sleep for a little while, just until it gets light out again, okay?"

He took a chance and placed his hand between their pillows, palm up.

"Trust me," he whispered.

He saw Olivia's eyes gloss over and she bit her lip. And then she moved her arm until her hand connected with his. He wrapped his fingers around hers and let out a relieved breath.

"I'll be right here," he assured her once more.

Olivia finally closed her eyes.

...

**To be continued**


	10. Chapter 10

**10.**

The first thing she'd seen when she had woken up earlier, was him.

She didn't know right away where they were, but for the first few minutes it didn't matter. Elliot was here and he was sleeping, and that meant that they were safe. He wouldn't be sleeping if they weren't. His hand was still wrapped lightly around hers even in his sleep, and after a few minutes she began to remember. They were at a hotel because her apartment was still being processed. Elliot had come back after giving his statement to IAB and had insisted on staying with her through the night.

Olivia appreciated it more than she was willing to admit. She knew that the only reason she had woken up so calmly just now, was the fact that his sleeping face had been the first thing she'd seen. Now that she was waking up more fully the memories were coming back, but for a few minutes, all had been well.  
The thought of needing someone like that - of needing Elliot like that - scared her. She had never needed anyone; or so she'd thought. But she hadn't always been alone by choice. She had been alone simply because there hadn't been anyone for her. And so she'd gotten used to it. She had accepted that it was how it was supposed to be. She was on her own.

_I've been alone my whole life._

The dream about her younger self being attacked by Lewis had shaken her to the core. He couldn't have her! She had cried out that she wanted to live and the words had taken on a whole new meaning. She didn't just want to stay alive. She wanted to _thrive_. To really live at last. Never before had she allowed herself that wish, always thinking she had to atone for her existence. By some miracle, Elliot seemed to have understood her desperate cry.

_You can't just live for everyone else. That's not really living, is it?_

He was right. In the end, it wasn't. No matter how gratifying it was to get justice for other people, to help them find closure and to get them on a road to recovery; no matter how well a life of service fit her; no matter how useful it made her feel; in the end, she wasn't really living her own life. And now, for the first time in her life, she wanted to.

And then her partner - her best friend - had dropped a bomb on her that she'd barely heard detonate because she had been so exhausted. But the words came drifting back to her now. They had made her feel safe in a way she couldn't describe. They had finally allowed her to sleep.

_I love you, Liv._

If she didn't know him so well, the words would almost have sounded casual. But neither of them would ever say such a thing without meaning it deeply. He had immediately told her he didn't expect her to do anything with it and she hadn't. She had just basked in the security his words had given her, making her feel safe and allowing her to sleep peacefully for a few hours.

But she was awake now, and her brain was kicking into gear. Surely, he had just meant that he cared for her as a friend. That had to be it. Then again, he'd also said that he was going to put her first from now on.

_It's about time someone put you first, Olivia._

Maybe he was right, but it shouldn't be him. He had a family that needed to come first, always. And if Elliot wasn't the one to put her first, she would have to be that person herself.

_It's not selfish to take care of yourself._

She had always felt like it was. She didn't really matter. She was just here by accident. Unplanned. Unwanted. It wasn't about her. It was about everyone _but_ her. But once she saw Lewis approach and expose her younger self - not just in her nightmare but during the hours she had been forced to spend with him, something had awoken inside her. She had wanted to save that little girl. She had wanted to save _herself_ from the pain and injustice that had been piled on her, even at such a young age and in all the years after.

_I wanna live._

Something had broken deep inside her but she hadn't disintegrated. Instead, something was oozing out of her steadily now, not allowing the cracks to close again. She was finding a will to live that went beyond a need to stay alive. Until now she had always wanted, even _needed_ to stay alive for others. For her partner. For her mother even. And for the victims. She would lay down her life to save a child. She almost had, a few years ago, when she had gotten too close to Gitano, and she knew she would do it again. She had never considered her own life. Until now.

There had to be more to life, even for her, a product of a rape.

Her eyes scanned her partner's relaxed face again. He loved her. She couldn't really fathom it yet. Not the fact that he'd said it out loud, and not the fact that he loved her at all. And yet, part of her had known all along because she fought for him the way he fought for her for the very same reason. She just had a hard time believing anyone could care that much for her. That he could care as much for her as she cared for him.  
But here he was. He was here with her because being anywhere else wasn't an option, as he'd put it. He was putting her first and she felt goosebumps form on her arms and her back at that thought. Finally, someone was putting her first and a fresh lump formed in her throat. She remembered how Elliot had told her he would have beaten anyone up who bothered her back in school. He would have stood up for her. He would have _seen_ her. She would have mattered.

It was all she had ever wanted.

...

Elliot found himself in that blissful state between sleeping and waking up, registering nothing but his own breathing yet, until he felt movement against his hand. He closed his hand instinctively, wanting to hold on to whatever he had been holding. He opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was Olivia's big brown eyes staring back at him. Her eyes were wet and he was instantly fully awake.

"Hey. Are you okay?" he asked, his voice still raspy from sleep.

Olivia swallowed visibly and then took a shaky breath before answering him on a whisper.

"Yeah."

He looked at their hands, still joined between their pillows and Olivia retracted her hand shyly.

"Did you get some sleep?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered again, her voice gaining a little in strength already.

She seemed okay, albeit a little emotional. He guessed she hadn't had another nightmare, or he would have woken up during the night.

"What time is it?" he asked her.

"I have no idea."

She turned her head towards the closed drapes of her hotel room. It looked like it was getting light outside so it had to be early in the morning. Elliot turned on his back. His entire body felt stiff from sleeping in the same position for hours and he stretched his arms above his head. Olivia did the same next to him, only slightly more carefully.

"How are the burns?" he inquired.

"These still burn a little," she admitted, gesturing at her chest. "And this one …"

She put a hand over her bandaged stomach and took a deep breath before blowing it out slowly. He could tell that the bigger burn was still very painful. Olivia had been relieved to learn that it was 'just' a second degree burn, just like a couple of the cigarette burns on her breasts, but it had still caused deeper tissue damage than the others and would take a lot longer to heal. Elliot was glad he'd gotten there when he had, before the freak could cause more damage to Olivia with the glowing coat hanger.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Elliot said. "Is it time yet for your pain meds?"

"I don't know. Probably."

Elliot picked his phone up from the nightstand on 'his' side of the bed. He activated it to check the time and saw that it was almost 6 am. He told her what time it was and Olivia pushed herself up into a sitting position reluctantly. She winced and he wished he could do something for her. But he knew she would want to do this herself. Once she was sitting on the edge of the bed, her feet on the ground, she turned to look at him. She surprised him when she said,

"Thanks for staying, El."

She then stood up and padded to the bathroom to take her medication. Elliot sat up as well and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. After half a minute, Olivia appeared in the doorway of the bathroom and announced that she was going to take a shower. She walked to the closet and grabbed some clean clothes before retreating back into the bathroom and locking the door behind her.

Elliot was relieved that Olivia had gotten some sleep and seemed to be doing alright for now. She had a tough day ahead of her, having to come in to give her statement. It was a little too early to make a breakfast run or order room service, and he inspected the room, looking for something to eat. Last night's crisps wouldn't do and he put away the opened bag for later. He'd also brought some salted crackers the night before and decided to eat a few and wash them away with some bottled water. A real breakfast would have to wait.

When Olivia came out of the bathroom, she had changed into black leggings and a loose-fitting grey long-sleeved shirt. Elliot suspected she was wearing at least another layer of clothing underneath the shirt, but still, she was wearing considerably less layers than before and he took it as a very good sign. He asked how things had gone with her bandage and she told him she had no trouble changing it herself.

"After I got it wet, it came off," she told him.

He made a face and Olivia attempted a smile, but he knew it must have been very painful to peel the bandage off the burn on her stomach. But Olivia was a trooper as always.  
He took her place in the bathroom. He hadn't brought a change of clothes but took a quick shower anyway. When he returned to the room he was happy to see Olivia chewing on a couple of the crackers he'd left laying out on the bed, while finishing off the water bottle he had opened earlier.

"You wanna grab a proper breakfast later?" he asked her but Olivia said she wasn't sure she could eat anything else.

"Let's get the statement over with first."

"Okay. Maybe we can get something later then."

Olivia nodded and it would have to do for now.

…

She had given her statement to a Detective from another precinct. Cragen didn't want his own team to have to take her statement and Olivia appreciated it. Still, everyone had already been at work very early, just to see her. It made her feel a little self-conscious. She still felt like she had failed as a cop because she had frozen and hadn't even tried to reach for her gun. And she looked like hell, with stitches on her forehead and several bruises on her face; not exactly a pillar of strenght.

She had kept her report purely factual, making no mention of the mind games Lewis had played with her. He'd milked her initial shock to no end, mocking her abilities as a police officer and stressing how she was hiding all her weaknesses behind her badge and gun, and stressing how she was completely helpless without them. But none of that was going into her file. Just what he'd done to her, as supported by the physical evidence gathered in her apartment and on her body. Everything else was none of anyone's business.

Elliot had been hovering outside the Captain's office the whole time, like she had expected. He had only gone up to his locker to get a change of clothes but he'd been back within minutes. Olivia knew Elliot was off duty until IAB finished their report on the shooting and she wondered briefly what he was planning to do with his time off. Once the Detective left who had taken her statement, Elliot walked into Cragen's office, and their Captain answered her question before she could even ask it.

"Elliot, while you're off duty, you make sure Olivia is comfortable at the hotel, alright? Whatever she needs."

"Yes sir. Goes without saying."

Elliot extended his arm invitingly, motioning to guide Olivia out of the Captain's office. Part of her wanted to rebel because the men were making decisions about her without consulting her, but a bigger part of her just wanted to let it all happen and allow Elliot to be there for her like he had been there for her all night.

She mattered.

She mattered to her squad, she knew that. She nodded at Fin and Munch, her long-time coworkers and friends who would do anything for her. And she knew the newbies, Rollins and Amaro, would have her back too. But most of all, she mattered to Elliot, more than she had dared to think or expect, and she was finally allowing that reality to sink in.

Early on in their partnership, Olivia had learned to trust Elliot. And he had trusted her. They were professionals and partners who were supposed to trust each other and have each others' backs. That's what she had told herself for years.  
But a couple of dangerous situations had brought other feelings to the surface, to the point of spilling out, most notably the Gitano case. They had lashed out at each other because that was what they did when emotions ran high; but they had also confessed hidden truths. They hadn't said the actual words. Not like Elliot had during the night, when he had told her out loud that he loved her. But the messages had come across loud and clear. They mattered more to each other than they should.

Olivia had felt like Elliot had rejected those feelings at the time, not wanting to acknowledge them because they were inappropriate. In the process he had rejected her and her feelings for him and she had run away for a while to come to terms with yet another rejection. She had sucked it up, as she always did, and then she had gone back.

after her return, they had repaired the damage together.

_I'd give you a kidney._

_Not if I gave you mine first._

The mutual trust had been restored and their partnership had survived the separation. Just like his marriage. Again. A fifth child had sealed the deal and once again, Olivia had locked away everything she wasn't supposed to feel for or dare to expect from her partner. That kind of a life wasn't in the stars for her anyway. She was supposed to do it all on her own.

But on the job, she wasn't alone. Her job had given her what life had refused to give her. An identity. A family. And a partner she could trust.  
Lewis had seen that and he had gleefully stripped it all away in a matter of hours, exposing the oldest, deepest scars on her soul until she couldn't push all the pain back down anymore. She had never cried as hard as she had last night, and she had never cried for herself like that, ever. And yet, after a grueling evening with a sadistic, murdering rapist who had gotten inside her head in a way nobody else ever had, she was emerging from her ordeal with a new desire to not only live but to _thrive_. It was a feeling she had never had before. Seeing her younger self fall victim to her tormentor had changed something deep inside her. She had been _innocent_. It was like Elliot had said, over and over again.

_It's not your fault._

She had been innocent. She had _not_ deserved the abuse and the rejection she had grown up with because her own mother couldn't deal with what had been done to her. She had not chosen to be born and now that she was here, she had a right to take up space. She wasn't just collateral damage. She had a right to be here and she was allowed to want to thrive.

"You wanna go grab a bite to eat now?" Elliot asked her as they exited the building.

His hand was lingering on the small of her back and it reminded her of the beginning of their partnership, when such touches were still innocent. They had stopped touching each other casually over the years but something was different now. They were both different. She looked up at him and nodded.

"Okay. But I don't want to be out in public looking like this."

She pulled her jacket tighter around herself and Elliot gave her a small smile. His eyes lingered on the gash on her forehead and for a second, Olivia thought he was going to touch her face. But he didn't and then he told her,

"It's fine. You wanna pick something up on the way back, or order room service at the hotel?"

She shrugged.

"Either is fine with me."

She suddenly felt very tired again and wasn't up to making a decision. Elliot seemed to sense that and decided for her.

"Let's get you back inside. The department is paying for room service anyway. It's the least they can do after what you've been through."

Olivia nodded and when Elliot opened the passenger door of the Sedan for her, she got in. When Elliot joined her in the car, she glanced at him before saying,

"And once we get back to the room, you can tell me what's going on with you and Kathy."

…

**To be continued ...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering, even with all the new insights Olivia is gaining, she still has a trauma to overcome. However, it will not consume her every minute of every day. As many of you will undoubtedly know, trauma comes in waves and in between those waves, she is able to focus on other things and other people, and on things she needs to know. I'd say this qualifies as something she needs to know, especially now.


End file.
